Why Boundaries Are Not Enough
How do NASA, the lunar orbit, and airplanes relate to marriage counseling? Frank Borman was the commander of Apollo 8, the first mission to fly around the moon. Later he became the CEO of Eastern Airlines, and his attitude toward aviation can save us a lot of heartache in our marriages. Mr. Borman receives credit for saying, “A superior pilot uses his superior judgment to avoid situations which require the use of his superior skill.” Now, do you see the connection? No? Let’s change the quote a little “A superior marriage partner uses their superior judgment to avoid situations which require superior explaining to justify.” Are you starting to see the picture? Frank Borman’s quote about protecting pilots from getting into sticky situations applies to husbands and wives safeguarding their relationship from potentially toxic conditions. Boundaries are one means of protecting your relationship from damaging situations.
For example, when spending time with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, some people have boundaries such as no one-on-one coffee or meals, no riding in cars alone, no closed-door meetings, and so on. If you are not currently incorporating boundaries into your life, then it’s time to have a healthy conversation with your spouse about some boundaries that are important to you.
However, be aware BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ENOUGH! Boundaries are valuable tools, but they have their limits, and, like any tool, you must be mindful of their limits to use them effectively. Boundaries and guardrails monitor behavior but are not a good gauge for monitoring the heart.
It’s easy to talk about the boundaries we have in place but much harder to talk about the state of our hearts. Boundaries/guardrails have become a sign of our morality. However, good morals won’t protect your marriage. 80% of affair partners admit that the affair was wrong.
That’s worth reading again. 8 out of 10 people who had an affair felt that what they were doing was morally wrong.
What causes someone with good morals and firm boundaries to violate their ethical code still, damage their family and hurt the people they love the most? Part of the answer is Boundary Drift. Ever heard the story about how to boil a frog? The story goes that if you put it in hot water, it hops out, but if you put it in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog will never notice and sit there while boiling to death (Please note, no animals were harmed in the writing of this article).
Boundary drift is like turning up the temperature of the water slowly. Without proper monitoring, boundaries naturally drift and make us susceptible to crossing into a territory and making decisions that can threaten the sanctity of your marriage and the very person you are called to be.
Here’s an example: You don’t have lunch alone with members of the opposite sex (boundary), but you stop in their office daily to discuss the latest reality show or political uproar. After all, your spouse doesn’t watch that show and isn’t into politics, so what’s the harm (Boundary Drift)? For you, maybe it’s not TV and politics. Boundary drift can take many different forms. Other examples are bringing your colleague their favorite latte or a breakfast sandwich on your way into work (What? You were going to stop anyway) or diving deeply into a shared hobby or activity that you don’t share with your spouse.
On the surface, none of these behaviors are wrong. That’s the problem. Boundaries monitor the behavior, not the heart. I’m all for boundaries and guardrails but let’s not stop there. In Proverbs 4:23, King Solomon urges us to “above all else, guard your heart because everything you do flows from it (NIV).” Whether you are a Christian or not, this is an important principle.
So, what else can you do if boundaries aren’t enough to monitor your heart? Let’s look at another scriptural principle: To navigate life well, people need healthy, respectful, reciprocal relationships. The setting of Gen. 2:18 is a world before the fall, and God says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Even in the Garden of Eden, it is not good for humankind to be alone. You need people. Specifically, you need people who care enough to ask you the tough questions?
I’m not talking about one more person you meet with over coffee, chitchat about life, and call it accountability. You need someone to ask you questions that uncover what is going on in your heart. Someone to ask questions that can be uncomfortable to answer. Someone who extends grace and non-judgment when you respond.
And, Oh yeah, the world is better if you become that person for someone too. If you need help with what to ask, below are two ideas to get you started.
• Who is the biggest threat to your marriage?
• If I followed you around with a video camera last week and then showed the film to your spouse, which interactions would they question, and which ones would you have to justify?
Try out these questions and see where the conversation goes. It may feel awkward to tell someone what you want them to ask you. Think of this as awkwardness on the road to intimacy. What happens if you don’t want to answer the question? Then be honest, tell the person you don’t want to answer, and tell them why.