Many Thanks to Rachel Menoizain, at Refuel Counseling in Cumming, GA for contributing to this post. If you would like to contact Rachel, you can reach her at RACHEL@REFUELCOUNSELING.COM.
Co-Parenting can be hard and co-parenting with a toxic ex-spouse can feel impossible. You are not alone, and things can get easier. Here are a few tips to help.
Manage your expectations: You may not even be aware of the expectations you have around co-parenting. Don’t play the comparison game, every co-parenting relationship looks different. Some families can do family meals and holidays while others can’t be in the same room. If your ex-spouse is toxic, you might need to adjust your expectations. If you were unable to communicate while you were married, you probably can’t communicate now. What expectations do you have of your co-parent? Are they realistic?
Stick with the parenting plan: You may not love or even agree with the parenting plan but it’s important to stick to what is written in your agreement. The less exceptions, the less communication which leads to less conflict. A consistent schedule is best for everyone, especially the kids. What part of the parenting plan is hard for you to follow? How can you do a better job sticking to the plan?
Set some clear boundaries: Most conflict comes because of poor boundaries, especially around communication. Set up clear boundaries around communication. A good plan involves a weekly email with 1-2 responses with in 24 hours, texting only for emergencies, no phone calls, and no communication during transitions. Keep the communication kid focused and positive. This can be a hard adjustment. How can you communicate these boundaries to your ex-spouse and stick with it?
Don’t engage in the toxicity: Your ex-spouse probably knows how to push your buttons. When this happens choose to not respond. You may need to walk away, hang up the phone or communicate that you won’t be engaging in the conversation. You may feel emotionally charged, this is the time to go to a trusted friend, journal, practice self-care but don’t engage. When do you tend to let your emotions get the best of you? How can you practice regulating your emotions?
Take care of yourself: Consistently dealing with a toxic person is draining. It’s important that you are scheduling time for you to recharge. This might be reading, walking, working out, time with God, time with friends, etc. What are the things that bring you joy? How can you make time for them? How can you work on being the best version of you despite your circumstances?
These tips may feel hard considering all that you are dealing with already. Our hope is that if you implement these tips things will get easier. You won’t always get it right and you may feel overwhelmed at times. The important thing is to keep working at it, learn from your mistakes, take care of yourself, and put your kids first.
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