Your mind is a powerful thing. It is what allows us to walk, talk, think, form opinions, and make observations. It helps us determine right from wrong; feel happy or sad. Our mind is at the center of how we perceive the world and how we perceive ourselves. It can be easy to form an opinion on things that are around us, but when it comes to what shapes the perception of ourselves, sometimes things are a little more subtle.

Oftentimes, the way we speak to ourselves would never be acceptable if someone else said it to us. But since it is happening inside our heads, we don’t pay much mind to it. It starts to become normal, and we may not even realize we are doing it. Soon, the view of ourselves is shaped by the thoughts we were not even 100% aware of. When this happens, you may start to feel like you are losing confidence, anxious, and trapped.

Imagine you have a best friend; one you are closer to than anyone else. During a conversation with a few friends over lunch, you accidentally spill an entire cup of coffee on your lap. That close, best friend turns to you and says, “You look so stupid right now. Way to go.”

Hopefully, you would re-evaluate your friendship with this person and stand up for yourself. If this type of negative statement is something you would never let someone else say to you, then how is it okay if we say something like this to ourselves?

The way we treat ourselves should be held to the same standard as how we let others treat us. The bottom line is, Don’t Bully Yourself.

Our minds will usually take negative thoughts and statements we tell ourselves a step further- “Well it must be true if I’m thinking it.” Let us challenge this together.

Feelings are valid, but thoughts can be reframed.

For example: Say you make a mistake at school. It is natural to begin to feel embarrassed, sad, anxious, and maybe even ashamed. Once we feel, our minds then make sense of the feeling with a thought. This thought may be positive or negative. You could begin to think anything from “Gosh, I am stupid. I can’t believe I made a mistake.” Or, maybe you could think, “I’m so embarrassed. I bet everyone is thinking about how dumb I look.”

These automatic thoughts can be tricky to catch, but next time you realize it is happening, try standing up to the bullying thought. It is important to give yourself another option to view yourself and the situation that is neutral or positive.

Let us take the examples from earlier:

Bullying thought: “Gosh, I’m stupid, I can’t believe I made a mistake.”

Neutral/positive reframe: “I am trying my best. I am capable and my best is enough.”

Bullying thought: “I’m so embarrassed. I bet everyone is thinking about how dumb I look.”

Neutral/positive reframe: “I can succeed and still make a mistake. Making mistakes is a normal part of life.”

There may be moments you do not want to say anything positive to yourself but finding an alternative way of viewing yourself is crucial in building self-esteem and growing confidence in yourself. Each time you intentionally introduce a more positive thought to your mind, you are standing up to a bullying thought. With practice and time, you will begin to respond to uncomfortable and difficult emotions without tearing yourself down in the process. Eventually, the automatic response will not be a bullying thought, but rather a way of thinking that promotes confidence and healthy self-esteem.

You deserve the same love, acceptance, and respect from yourself as you give to the people around you.

As the sayings go…

Love your neighbor as yourself.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Fill up your own cup before you fill up others.

Put on your oxygen mask before your neighbors.

The analogies go on and on.

Remember that focusing on treating yourself with respect and kindness is not selfish or self-centered, but rather essential in being able to maintain healthy relationships with those around you. Most importantly, it helps you see yourself in a positive and healthy light. As cliche as it might sound, how we view ourselves matters more than you may realize. The relationship you have with yourself matters just as much as with others.

When retraining your thoughts to a more neutral and positive pattern, it is always helpful to use affirmations as an alternative way of thinking. You can write these affirmations and positive statements down on sticky notes and leave them on your mirror at home to view every day. That way, every time you look at yourself, you are reminded of something positive and uplifting.

Thoughts come and go, but when we let bullying thoughts take over, they can have a lasting impact on how we see ourselves and what we think we deserve. You deserve to look at yourself with confidence and kindness.