Does it ever seem that no matter what you do your relationship is stuck in conflict? I don’t mean just high conflict. I am referring to a relationship that leaves you doubting your ability to communicate. A relationship whose conflict patterns fill you with self-blame, anxiety, and confusion. Perhaps you have been to several marriage therapists, but nothing seems to change despite your best efforts. These continual unstable relationships (CUR’s) are not just challenging to work with as a clinician, they can be detrimental to the mental and physical health of those who are living in them daily. For clarity, when referring to the partners in this relationship I will call one the antagonistic partner and the other the responding partner. I realize this may oversimplify things and that sometimes both parties are antagonistic but that is more than I want to cover in this blog. 

Whether it’s the hero and villain in your favorite movie, competing species in nature, or that coworker who always seems to oppose your ideas, antagonistic relationships shape your view of the world and view of self. An antagonistic relationship happens when two or more parties exist in direct opposition, conflict, or competition with each other. These relationships are characterized by opposing goals, conflicting interests, or incompatibility that creates tension and struggle between the involved parties. There is very little shared sense of “us” instead it can feel like one party exists to make the other happy at all costs with a moving bar of success.  These relationships can be romantic, intimate, familial, or even professional. Regardless of the domain of these relationships, they are all stressful.

Where We Often See Antagonistic Relationships

I am thankful to Dr. Ramani Durvasula for coming up with the acronym CRAVED which describes the characteristics of these chronically unstable and antagonistic relationships.

C⎯Conflictual

• What it means: CURs are relationships of high drama and frequently escalate minor issues into heated arguments to create conflict. The conflictual patterns in these relationships have a different flavor than standard high-conflict relationships in which people fight hard but can repair quickly.  In a CUR, repairs are usually one-sided with one party never admitting fault. Furthermore, the styles of interacting both in and out of conflict are characterized by dismissal, invalidation, and minimization of one party’s concerns.
• Example: Your coworker has a habit of blowing minor disagreements out of proportion. Even something as simple as a rescheduled meeting feels like a personal attack to them, drawing out the tension for days. As long as you apologize to your coworker or boss, there is peace; however, there is a consistent pattern of your coworker never taking responsibility for actions that, if seen in public, would be out of line. 

R⎯Rigid

• What it means: Flexibility or compromise are almost non-existent and when they do exist it is usually one partner doing all the bending and contorting to keep the other party happy or from becoming rageful. Instead of admitting fault, one party consistently doubles down on blame or will shift topics to a topic where they can appear righteous. Example: In a romantic relationship, one partner insists on doing everything their way—where to eat, how to spend vacations, how chores are done, and refuses to consider the other person’s preferences, even when it’s clear they’re controlling their partner. The existence of this type of coercive control in a relationship is a topic for another blog.

A⎯Asymmetrical*

• What it means: There’s an imbalance in power, influence, or relational care. One person may hold disproportionate control over decisions, emotional expression, or resource allocation, leaving the other feeling unheard or undervalued. These relationships are often high-conflict, with frequent disagreements that escalate quickly. Because one party may be rigid in their expectations, beliefs, or behaviors, compromise becomes rare, and conflict cycles repeat without resolution. The asymmetry can be influenced by and occasionally reinforced by cultural patterns, financial dynamics, or perceived social status.
• Example: In a relationship, one partner makes all the decisions, while the other partner’s opinions and needs are routinely dismissed. The dominant partner rarely apologizes or admits mistakes, and may use guilt, criticism, or emotional withdrawal to maintain control. The other partner feels powerless, anxious, and constantly has to accommodate, often sacrificing their own needs to keep the peace.

V⎯Vunerable*

• What it means: in a CUR the responding partner often feels as though they have to “walk on eggshells” to keep the antagonistic partner happy. They become experts in what to say and not say to keep the peace. The antagonistic partner interprets most conflicts or issues as someone else’s fault (victim mentality) and responds with blame and criticism This combination can lead to chronic insecurity, blame, and difficulty resolving problems in a constructive way.
• Example: Imagine a couple where one partner often feels insecure about expressing their needs. In a relationship, when small disagreements arise like a missed text or a forgotten plan, one partner interprets it as proof that the other partner doesn’t care, feeling hurt and wronged. They may withdraw emotionally or lash out, blaming their partner for “not loving them enough,” even when the issue is minor.

E⎯Entitled & Egocentric

• What it means: When someone is entitled and egocentric in a relationship, this means one partner prioritizes their own needs, desires, and comfort above their partner’s. They may expect special treatment, resist compromise, and have little regard for their partner’s feelings or boundaries. This mindset often leads to imbalance, resentment, and repeated conflicts.
• Example: One partner always insists on making the plans, without asking the other partner what they want to do. They expect their partner to adjust to their schedule, preferences, and feelings, rarely showing consideration or compromise. 

D⎯Dysregulated

• What it means: The antagonistic partner may quickly become unstable,  swinging from calm to explosive, with little control over their reactions. The emotional expression can be intense but is often shallow and therefore can switch quickly between rage and victimhood
• Example: A partner becomes intensely angry or anxious over small disagreements like a slight misunderstanding. They might yell, storm out, or give the silent treatment, then quickly swing to guilt-tripping or pleading for reassurance. Their emotional responses are unpredictable and overwhelming, making it hard for the other partner to feel safe, understood, or able to resolve conflicts calmly.

The Impact Of Being In An Antagonist Relationship On Your Mental Health

Being in an antagonistic relationship can take a significant toll on your mental health. Constant conflict, criticism, or emotional tension creates chronic stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of hopelessness. Eventually you may start doubting your own judgment, lose confidence, or feel trapped in a cycle of negativity. Even everyday decisions can become exhausting when you’re navigating constant opposition. The emotional drain can affect your sleep, focus, and overall well-being, making it crucial to recognize the toll such a relationship takes and get help to protect your mental health and learn coping skills. Many delay seeking help in these chronically unstable relationships out of fear that a therapist is going to tell them to leave or judge them for staying. Our therapists at East Cobb Relationship Center understand that decisions aren’t always that simple. We are here to help you sort through the complexity of these relationships and find a path forward that is right for you.

At East Cobb Relationship Center, we offer intensive couples counseling so we can dig into your relationship and find the root cause of what is causing the conflict, or we also have individual therapy so you can work on yourself and how to move forward with or without this relationship. To learn more, schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists or book an appointment today.

*When I first heard Dr. Ramini teach about the characteristics of Antagonistic Relationship her original “A” in the CRAVED acronym was for “antagonistic.”  Here I have substituted the work Asymmetrical to indicate power imbalances present in these chronically unstable relationships.

•  *These have been changed from Dr. Ramani’s definition of A (Antagonistic) & V (Victim & Vindictive) (do you want to say something like this?