Most wedding vows ask the question “Do you promise to forsake all others as long as you both shall live?” However, the neglected second part of this question states “….or Will you keep making negative comparisons between me and real or imagined alternatives?”
Who do you spend more time thinking positively about – your spouse or a real or imagined alternative? One significant indicator of whether a heterosexual couple will have an affair is the presence of unfavorable comparisons. When we spend more time thinking more favorably of others, we have started down the path from cherishing our spouse to trashing them.
So…if you want to forsake all others for as long as you both shall live, then stop making negative comparisons. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done.
Loyalty, connection, intimacy, and commitment are built by cherishing what you have and nurturing gratitude for your spouse. However, nurturing and cherishing are not skills that come naturally. Our brains are more naturally wired to notice things that are wrong or areas our spouse falls short. Being aware of the negative is great for survival situations but can be a detriment to a marriage.
Comparing our spouse to another inevitably leads to feelings of resentment toward them. It doesn’t take long before we can only see their inadequacies and remember the times they have let us down. The other to which we compare our spouse can be a real person or a perceived other such as in a fantasy or pornography.
Your fantasies and thoughts are not harmless. They contribute to the way you feel about and interact with your spouse. Ultimately, negative comparisons lead to relational dissatisfaction.
Here are three things you can do to counteract negative comparisons:
Be Aware
The first step is to become aware of the comparisons you make. It’s easy to pretend that this is someone else problem. If thinking negatively about your spouse or spending too much time thinking positively about another is a habit, start by becoming aware of the problem.
Share
Second, find someone with whom to share these thoughts. Connect with a small group through a church, a pastor, or a friend. Find someone who will regularly ask you the following question: “Who outside of your spouse are you spending time thinking about?” Sometimes, all we need are a few good people in our life asking us the right questions.
Take the Positive Perspective
Be intentional about taking a positive perspective on your spouse. Seeing the positive may not come naturally, but it’s not impossible. What do you appreciate about them? What do others value about them?
If you find yourself going down the road from cherishing to trashing, give me a call. I’m here to help you make your next year of marriage your best year of marriage.
Stay Connected,
Matt