Often when people come into couples’ therapy, it is because there is a conflict. At some point many people find themselves feeling alone and misunderstood in their relationship. When this happens, it’s easy to think there is something wrong with your partner or worse yet, perhaps you married the wrong person.
Usually, the problem is not the person but the pattern. Couples get locked into destructive patterns of relating and arguing. Identifying the pattern is the first step toward changing it from one that keeps you apart to one that draws you together.
To understand the rhythms of relating, it’s helpful to first understand a little about attachment.
It’s Innate: Attachment is simply the way we relate to others and the way we feel others feel about us. It is an innate force. There is something deep within us that longs to be known and accepted by another person.
It’s Emotional: It’s worth noting that attachment is not logical. It is a highly emotional process. Often in therapy, after couples understand and have changed their patterns of connecting, they experience a level of emotional closeness and security that many say they have never experienced. This level of connection is possible even in the aftermath of an affair.
It’s a paradox: Most of us value our independence and therefore are often reluctant to admit that we need others. However, the paradox of attachment is when feel securely connected to another person the more confident, secure and separate we can be.
Therapy is a way to understand yours and your partner’s attachment style and how they interact with each other. When we learn our unique interaction pattern, it becomes easier to see that it is the interaction of these two styles that cause martial discourse. Rather than focus on “fixing our spouse,” partners can learn to work together to modify their manner of interacting.
If you would like to understand your particular pattern of connection and how to leverage it to create security and intimacy in your marriage, please give me a call for a complimentary initial consult.
Stay connected,
Matt