The decision to foster a child is something that the whole family is involved in. Opening your home to a foster child means providing not just a roof over their head, but a safe and supportive space where they can thrive. For many foster parents, understanding how to make a foster child feel truly welcome can be overwhelming.

Letting children express themselves and their own interests, preferences, and tastes goes a long way to making them feel welcome in the family. Here are tips to help with a smooth transition into your home.

Tips for What to Do

1. Have something special waiting for them when they get there

You may not know the exact age or even gender of the child coming to your home, but you usually have an age range. Have a welcome basket prepared for each child, including things like fun socks, a book to read, a toy, snacks, art supplies, things that are age appropriate.

2. Let them tour the house

Give them a tour of the house and make it fun and inviting. But be mindful of when to do this as they might be too tired when they arrive.

3. Involve your children in welcoming them

Get your children involved in welcoming them which could be helping choose things to give them like a basket full of goodies or a homemade welcome sign.

4. Give them a space to keep their items in

If you can, let your foster children have their own space in their bedroom and if possible, space in another room like a cupboard in the kitchen or a shelf in the playroom.

5. Personal belongings

Before your foster children arrive, see if it’s possible to get any personal belongings from prior families. Many come with little to nothing, but sometimes you can get things from prior homes that will make them feel more comfortable and more at home. Be sure to let them know that these belongings are theirs, and will be going with them wherever they go.

6. Shopping for clothes

When shopping for clothes for your foster children, it’s a good idea to bring them. Everyone has different tastes, and they’ll feel included and like they matter if they’re able to choose their own clothes. They’ll feel good wearing them knowing they got to pick out what they like.

7. Include them in decisions about family activities

While each child’s experience varies, one common theme is that their sense of control has often been stripped away. Decisions about where they live, who they live with, and how their time is spent are made without their input. Including them in decisions about family activity helps towards restoring some of that lost agency and sends an important message—you’re a valued and equal part of this family.

8. Ask if your foster child has a Life Book

Ask their Case Manager and/or previous families if your foster children have a Life Book. A Life Book is a collection of photos, stories, and drawings that helps children in foster care understand their personal history, especially when they’ve experienced multiple placements and disruptions in their lives. It will be important to help add to their Life Book to add fun and positive experiences that happen while you’re fostering them.

9. Learn about their culture

Ask them to teach you about their culture and incorporate these things into their lives whether it’s their favorite foods, traditions, activities, etc.

10. Stay connected to other foster and adoptive families

Staying connected to other foster and adoptive families is both for learning anything you should about your foster children to help you as a parent and how they process things, as well as for emotional support. The work you are doing is not easy, and it’s important to have a support system. Sometimes the only people who will understand are fellow foster and adoptive parents.

11. Be patient

Children will test us. Foster and adoptive children have been let down by adults⎯sometimes by multiple adults. Expect them to test you and remember it’s not personal.

Tips for What NOT to Do

1. Don’t talk about rules as the first thing you make sure they know

Don’t give foster children a list of rules on their first day in the home, or have a list of rules posted for them to see when they first get there. This can make a child feel unwelcome or stigmatize them as if their foster family expects them to do the things on the list. Give them house rules naturally, as things come up. It’s ok to make a list of family rules, but make sure there are positive things on the list and that it’s not just a list of Don’ts. Also when you do share the rules, don’t just post them. Talk to everyone in the family about them, and ask family members their opinions on the rules⎯even let them help add to the list (with parents having final say).

2. Don’t quiz your foster children about their biological family

Don’t push for information on your foster children’s family of origin. It puts them on the defensive and that could set a bad tone for how comfortable they feel in your home. Listen to what they do share and let them know you’re there to listen, but will not be digging for what they may not want to share.

3. Don’t ignore your children’s feelings

Don’t ignore the thoughts, feelings, and worries of children already in the home. Children want to please their parents, but they need to be able to ask questions about foster care and they may have worries about being replaced or not loved as much as the foster children. This can lead to resentment, competition, and discord. Give children in the home the space to share their feelings, even negative ones. Also consider what children would or would not be a good match for the family.

4. Don’t make the children divulge what could be uncomfortable

Don’t interrogate your foster children for information on what they talked about with their Case Manager or what they talked about in therapy. They need their own space to be able to talk about things, and these kinds of inquiries could make them feel unsafe or unwelcome.

5. Don’t overshare with your foster children

Don’t overshare too soon. Sometimes foster and adoptive parents have had their own difficult backgrounds and feel like they need to let the children know all about their difficult upbringing. Give children and teens time to acclimate to your home before sharing information that could make them uncomfortable. If it seems like a time when sharing your background would be good, use your judgement on when to bring things up.

6. Don’t make children show affection

Don’t insist on hugs or kisses; some children (and adults!) are not comfortable with touch. Let them show you what they are comfortable with. They should not be forced to do anything they aren’t comfortable with.

7. Don’t make them call you mom or dad

Don’t insist on them calling you mom or dad. This can be a touchy subject, and they already have a biological mom and dad, even if they don’t see them.

8. Treat all children in the home equally

Don’t treat your foster children differently than you do your biological children in the home. Create a home environment that’s inclusive and equitable to build trust and foster healthy relationships. When children feel valued and treated equally, it not only strengthens family bonds, but also provides a stable foundation for the foster child’s emotional growth.

9. Don’t share your foster children’s story

Don’t tell other people about your foster children’s background. Their stories of abuse or neglect are their own to share, with people they choose to share this with. No one needs to know the reasons the children in your home were removed from their parents⎯not teachers, neighbors, friends, even your other family members. Foster and adoptive children are stigmatized and gossiped about so don’t add fuel to this by sharing private information about their removal, abuse, their biological parents. They overhear things about themselves, or they get information repeated back to them, and it makes them feel unwelcome and less than.

10. Don’t talk negatively about their biological family

Don’t talk negatively about their family of origin. It will cause problems in your relationship with them and hurt their self-confidence. Their parents are part of who they are, and it comes off as talking about the children too.

The goal isn’t just creating a comfortable environment, but also about building trust, fostering emotional security, and making them feel valued, and respected. If you’re preparing to welcome a foster child into your home, this guide will give you do’s and don’ts so your foster children’s transition can be as smooth and comfortable as possible⎯for both you and the child.

If you feel your foster children are struggling to adjust in the home, Dawn Lamprecht specializes in using creative and expressive techniques, like sandtray therapy and play therapy. Each child is special and unique, which is why she personalizes how she approaches therapy for each of clients’ needs. To schedule a consultation with Dawn, email her at info@eastcobbrelationshipcenter.com or call or text her at 770-209-3517. You aren’t alone, and Dawn is here to support your children as they process having a foster sister or brother.